acting it out

the art of learning to live

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

my “t”

you want me to tell them my t…?

I want so badly for the words I write here to be(come) true.
I want so badly for my writings to be
filled with hope.
filled with strength
filled with words of wisdom beyond my years.

But the truth is
I am doubtful
I am weak
I am lost

This is my t, my truth.
It is the first I’ve written here, but I promise, to myself, that it will not be the last.

all bets are off…

Lap 1
I am racing.
I am racing towards a goal.
I did not set this goal for myself.
I am acting out of submission.

Lap 2
I am racing.
I am racing towards a goal.
I have performed this race before.
Sometime I win, sometimes I do not.

Lap 3
I am racing.
I am racing towards a goal.
I know if I win I will be rewarded.
I know if I win I will make them happy.

Do you know why they put “blinders” on race horses?

It is so the horse focuses on what’s ahead.
They can not look back at what has already been done.
They can not look to the side at where the other horses are.
They can not see the audience.
All they know is the path that is set before them, all they know to do is to run.

I want to be a race horse.
I want to stop looking behind me.
I want to stop looking at others around me.
I want to stop looking at the ones who cheer me on, or who hope for me to fail.
I want to look towards my future.
I want to run, with all my strength & hope, towards what lies ahead.

On second thought, I do not want these things.
I need these things.
I need them desperately.
For my sanity, for my heart, my soul, my peace of mind.
But most of all, I need these things for myself, for my goals, & for my prize.

I am a race horse.
& I am betting on myself to win.

writing a blog for the end of the world

all the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go & holding on

I find it fitting that this quote, which speaks so well to my heart, comes from the man who is credited with introducing the concept of narcissism.

That’s what I’m doing here: letting go & holding on, to myself.

This blog is about me, plain & simple.
It is not about the people in my life, positive or negative; Although, they may make an appearance.

This blog is for me.
It is not for you, but I do hope you will read it & share in my journey.
When I say it is not for you I mean this:
It is not for you to judge
It is not for you to analyze
It is not for you to criticize
& it is not for you to ignore your own life & whatever issues you have by focusing on mine.

We do that far too often.
I, I do that far far too often.

I judge. I over analyze. I criticize.
I ignore myself for others, constantly.
But not anymore.

The world is labeled to end next month.
It has been labeled such many times before, and will sure to be many times more hereafter.

I am writing a blog for the end of the world.
A way to capture how I want to live my life in these “last days”.

No, I don’t truly believe in this countdown to doom.
But I do believe that all the days I have left, no matter their total, are my last days.

So I am writing a blog for the end of the world.
The world where I am insecure. The world where I am weak.
The world where I obsess over the bad & miss the good.
The world that I am terrified to leave.

I am writing a blog for the end of the world.
I am writing a blog for the end of the girl I no longer care to be.
& the beginning of a new one.

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