acting it out

the art of learning to live

Archive for the month “December, 2012”

Encouragement.

beautiful, inspiring, raw, vulnerable, sincere, and made ME (the reader) feel liberated.

Well, the reviews are in I guess.

I never imagined that something I wrote would warrant a statement like that.

I never imagined anyone would read this blog
outside of the 3 people I told about it in the beginning.

But I hit that share button to send it to Facebook &

VoilĂ  !

I have readers?
I have “followers”?

Most importantly,
I have someone who took time out of their day to make sure I knew that they liked my writing,
that it meant something to them!

I realize that this little thing, is not as little as it may seem.

I know how life is, and how it can get.
busy, stressful, hectic.

Even that small effort of clicking the “like” button means something to me.

So, to the ones who support me & encourage me,
even in the simplest of actions:

I recognize you & I thank you.

& I hope to return the thoughtfulness someday as often as I can.

Which brings me to my next thoughts.

How often do I need encouragement?

A lot.

Probably more than the average person.

I’m an artist, an actor.
it’s almost a requirement to be needy & insecure.

But how often do I give out encouragement?

Not very.

It’s true.
& it’s sad.

Why would I ever neglect to give that which I am so desperate to have myself?

There are a number of reasons & excuse that could be named.

But that isn’t what matters.
What is important is that I realize that everyone around me deserves, wants, & needs encouragement,
Just like I do.

& I need to make more of an effort to make the people in my life know
how much they mean to me,
and how much I believe in them.
Even in the little things.

As often as I can.

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anger

anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored, than to anything on which it is poured.

I can see how this anger I am carrying around is affecting myself.
I can see its negative influence in my life.

But I am still having a hard time letting go.

I’m not use to feeling this way.
I’ve been mad.
But never angry.
Not like this.

This anger is paired with resentment.
It is magnified by years worth of broken heartedness
& feeling like I can’t let anyone new into my life.

How does one conquer anger?

Forgiveness.

It’s a catch 22 though.

I am angry.
I need to forgive.
I can not forgive because I am so angry.
I am angry because I am holding on to something I can not forgive.

Where does forgiveness come from?

Love.

Again, a conundrum.

I am angry.
I need to forgive.
I need to love to forgive.
I can not love because I am so angry.
I am angry because I need to forgive.

I am only human, after all.

So how do I get the love I need to forgive?

God?
The Universe?
The Force?

Or is it that I don’t need to “get” it from anywhere?

Is it already here, in me.
Buried beneath the anger.
& all the other lies I tell myself I can not get rid of on my own.

I believe so.

How do I unbury the love I need to find to forgive so I can rid myself of the anger?

Strength.

Where do I get my strength to unbury the love I need to find to forgive so I can rid myself of the anger?

Anger.

I take the anger I have towards others.
Towards the situation I am in, and I re-direct it.

It becomes the fuel to my discovery of love.

Because I’m not really angry at anyone.
I’m not really angry at how my life is.

I am angry at myself for thinking that it has to be this way.
I am angry at myself for believing the lies that society impresses upon me.

So I use my anger to attack the parts of myself that I want to lose.
The baggage I carry around.

I take my anger & I attack the negative things in my life that are built up around my heart & I free myself to love the way I need to so that I can forgive what I need to so that I can rid myself of the anger & move on, carrying only what is left.
Holding on to only the love.

I am angry.
But I will be strong.
I will love.
I will forgive.
I will start with forgiving myself.

echoes & shadows

time heals all wounds

I want to shoot whoever first penned this sentiment.
When I am hurting, I find it to be a filthy, bloody, lie.
When I am not, I still think it is a misrepresentation of a truth.

Perhaps others feel differently than I do?
I often believe that I feel differently, love differently, heal differently
than the people I am surrounded by.

Yes, time lessens the pain of a wound.
But the wounds, the ones which strike me deep to my core,
Those are the ones that stay, throbbing still.

I imagine my spirit to be a pumpkin.
(bear with me here).

The whole of who I am is a pumpkin.

Over the course of my life I am cut open, I am hollowed out.
Every cruel word.
Every lie, every betrayal, every friend turned foe.
Every email, text, vague Facebook status
that I obsess over.
These are my wounds.
These are the swift spoon like blows that swoop into my heart & scrap against my insides, taking bits of me with them.
I am left one layer thinner with each ill force.

I am not a blind victim. I know that I also cause the layers to be removed even further each time I re visit my pain, each time I dwell on the negative.

But all the same, I become more & more hollow over time.
The wounds do fade into one another, some completely forgotten.

But then there are the ones that hurt the most at their conception.
The ones that are repeated in cruel irony due to my bad judgement in who I associate with & who I let into my life, my heart.
& the ones that, sometimes were not even necessarily intentionally harmful
by their deliverer.
Just comments made by those who are blind to how much their words effect others,
because they are not saying the words for the one to whom they are speaking,
but for themselves as a result of their own wounds, or insecurities.

These are the wounds that resonate in the empty void that is left in my center.
The wounds that become echoes in my soul.

I create a smiling exterior.
A fixed look of happiness to deflect from my internal damages.

Life has made me a jack o lantern.

But every carved pumpkin has that light.
The candle placed in its center to make it glow
& to illuminate the face, to bring it to life.

So, what’s my candle?
What is my light which will chase out the shadows left by the people in my past?
& how do I make sure no one can blow it out?

A general life update.

This blog needs some positivity.
& we’re in luck,
because my life is starting to have more & more of it as of late.

I found out I will be acting in a theatre production with a director
I’ve really been hoping to work with, early next year.
I’m still so new to the Atlanta theatre community
& I am excited to delve more into the theatre world.

I do miss working with my film family, as an actor.
I’ve been taking on a lot of behind the scenes roles in the last year or so.
I’ve done everything from casting, wardrobe, set dec, office administration, & even catering.
The true mark of an indie film maker is
to be able to wear many hats,
in my opinion.

I’m most excited about the next “hat” I will be trying on: Writer.

The Project I’m working on is somewhat intense and complicated.
I’ve always had the mind set of, “go big or go home”
& if I’m going to try something new, then I am going to give it all I can.
Writing the script, developing the story, creating the characters.
It’s all so fun & a great outlet for my creative mind, but it is also
Nerve-wracking, time consuming, & insecurity inducing.
But it is worth it every time I finish a page, or have a new, brilliant idea.

I’ve always enjoyed writing poems, songs, & even school papers.
But the concept of creating a script, and having that script turned into a moving, breathing work of art is so inspiring to me.
I find I think more in images when writing this way.
I can see how I want a shot to look.
I think learning & doing so many other jobs has allowed me to be able to think of a script from all the different divisions of the film making process. I already know how I want the characters to dress, what objects I want to be in each room.

The Project as I’m referring to it for now, is my seed which I will plant, sow & nurture.
I can’t wait to see what fruit it bares!

an aside

I would apologize for my somewhat depressing candor in those first few posts,
but that is what this blog is.

A collection of free thoughts straight from my brain to my mini keyboard to the screen.
My iPad didn’t come with a rainbow & sunshine only filter, so this is what you get.

If at any point, my writing leans towards one side or the other, please remember
this is just the place where I can release my thoughts, my frustrations.
But it is also the place where I can share my joys and victories.

It isn’t a diary. It isn’t a scientific representation of my state of mind.

So, have no fears my friends.
& Have no hopes my foes.

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