acting it out

the art of learning to live

Archive for the month “March, 2013”

am I ok?

are you ok?

my dad asked me this today on the phone. It made me think about how often people have asked me that exact question (or variations of) in the last few months.

These are some examples of those questions
& how I have answered them, almost every time:

are you ok?
yes
how are you doing?
fine.
how are you holding up?
fine.
do you need anything?
nope.

& these are the honest answers to those questions:

are you ok?
I am ok.

just ok.
I’m not particularly good,
but I’m not bad either.
I am ok.
& that’s ok.

how are you doing?
I am doing.

I am trying.
I am learning.
I am growing.
I am creating.
I am living.
I am doing.

how are you holding up?
I am getting up.

Sometimes I’m falling down.
Sometimes I’m breaking down.

But I get up.
I move forward.
& even if it seems like I’m
taking 2 steps forward
& 1 step back,
I continue to take those steps forward.
& soon it will only be forward.

do you need anything?
yes.

I need to be surround by friends.
I need to be alone.
I need support.
I need honesty.
I need tough love.
I need patience.
I need to stay as busy as possible.
I need to sit around and be lazy.
I need all that will be given.
I need nothing at all.

& I need understanding that
I need different things
at different times.

self aware

I’m competing with the past,
memories of what didn’t last.
I’m chasing down ghosts,
asking what they miss the most
from life.

I’m running through a storm,
way ahead of the mourn.
I’m missing what’s ahead,
before its even said
or done.

I’m looking at myself,
all together something else.
I’m skipping half the parts,
depriving my own lonely heart
of truth.

my mothers daughter

I am my mother’s daughter

Or at least I hope to be.

The older I’ve gotten,
& especially now,
I’ve realized more & more who my mother is.

But I’ve also realized how much I don’t know her.

I know that she is smart.
I know that she is beautiful.
I know that she is funny.
I know that she is kind hearted.
I know that she is talented.

& I know that she is strong.

But was she always so strong?

I wish I could know all her moments of weakness. All her struggles. All her defeats, failures, & short comings.
But also know her comebacks, her revivals, & her survival of her life this far.

Because our lowest moments are what defines us. How we handled it. What is was that broke us down to that level.
& most importantly:
how we rose above it.

Because how can we measure a person with only their good qualities & still gain a wholistic understanding of that person.
A knowledge with breeds:
sympathy, empathy, apathy.
Patience. Respect.
Full, unbiased love.

Because how can I truly know my mother without knowing these things?

edits

It’s been a month,again, since my last post.

& that last post was what I want this blog to be.
What I need need need it to be.

Honest.
Honest unedited words just spilling out of my mind through my fingers onto the screen
Onto the screens of anyone who comes across this page

That’s a fucking terrifying thought to me

But it is also a satisfying one
Because I don’t want to edit myself
I want to be able to read this months, years from now & know that what I said here is exactly what I was thinking and exactly what I was feeling.

I want that for myself

And that’s who this blog was started for
Myself

& yes I want it to touch people
& I want it to mean something to someone
& I want it to be a non socially & personally damning representation of myself

But why?

If someone is offended
Or critical
Or judging

Why do I want them in my life?
Why should I care?

I won’t. I don’t. I can’t.

I can’t, because I legitimately feel that those people, that type of person, is detrimental to my soul & to who I am & to who I want to be.

So, yes, this may become a chaotic mess of emotion.
& yes, it may become more real
More brutally honest than most people would like
But it will just that.
It will be real
It will be honest
It will be me.

& I’m done being anything other than those things.

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