acting it out

the art of learning to live

Archive for the month “April, 2013”

faith. take two.

my faithlessness
is causing me to verge on hopelessness.

my life seems to be so full of ups & downs,
it feels like a roller coaster.

actually,
maybe it’s more like the giant wave pool at water parks.

do you remember those?

a giant cement square,
filled with water & probably a hundred people.
It was built as a gradual slope,
with a deep end, and then a shallow end that turned into a “shore”.

I remember all the people crammed in this thing,
floating on inner tubes,
laughing, swimming & splashing around.
Then they would sound the horn
that signified the oncoming “waves”.
People would scramble to their flotation devices, or some even headed for the “shoreline” to escape the waves.

I was always the kid who braved the deep end during the “storm”.
I stayed out there treading water,
pretending to be a mermaid stuck in a hurricane
or a pirate caught in a shipwreck.

I’ve lost that little girl,
void of fear & full of such life.

now I’m trapped in the deep end of the wave pool,
struggling to get above water,
trying desperately to push through the crowd to get to the land.

I remember when I was a kid, when/if I had a moment of insecurity in that wave pool,
I knew in my mind that if it did become too much, that I could always grab on to a friends inner tube.

I am so grateful to have that safety net, symbolically, in my life today.

this is what I will have hope in.
this is who I will have faith in.
this is what will allow me to survive these harsh waters.
& this is what will eventually bring back that
brave little girl.

so thank you to
my dear
my wonderful
my patient
my understanding
my kind
my generous
my funny
my talented
my thoughtful
my unselfish friends,
who are my true family.

Without whom I would surely drown.

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faith.

Complete trust or confidence
in someone or something.

I once had so much of it.

But now, at a time in my life when I need it the most,
I find myself left
wanting.

I find myself wanting
more of
it

this invisible force that gives people such hope & clarity in dire situations.

faith
the magic word
which some people use with such sincerity
that it causes jealousy in my now cynical & questioning heart.

I use to have such faith in
God
“destiny”
the people in my life
people in general

But most importantly,
I use to have such faith in
myself.

Where did it go?
How did I lose it?

& how can I get it back?

I find myself struggling to
answer these questions.

Now I grasp for
hope
hope that I can find
faith

faith
that I will be able to
answer these questions

that I can find
my faith
in anything
again.

But mostly importantly
that I can find faith in
myself.

my first kiss

who wants to play spin the bottle?

I was 13 when I had my first kiss.
I didn’t know that there were “rules”,
so I kept my eyes open.

I wanted to see.
I wanted to remember as many details as possible.

It’s who I was. who I am.

But the other kids teased me.

They laughed & told me
I was doing it wrong.

& I closed my eyes for my second kiss.

From then on I started
“closing my eyes” for a lot of things.
But always for the same reason.
Because it’s what everyone else did.
Because I desperately needed that validation from my peers.

As I grew up, I could feel a heaviness on my soul;
Far greater than anything someone so young should know
or even recognize.

There were times,
I would peak out from behind my closed eyes at the world I was living in.
Those moments were beautiful,
when I would forget about the words those kids had said to me
when I would forget about trying to fit in
when I would forget who I was trying to be
& just be
me.

But then

Someone would laugh at me & tell me
I was doing it wrong.

& I would close my eyes again.

I spent so many years of my life like this.
I missed out
on so much of my life
because I was more focus on
living the life others thought I should
rather than
living my life.

I spent so many years of my life
trying to fit into whatever mold was handed to me.
I was a human chameleon.
I tried to become whatever I was expected to be by those around me.
I played so many parts in my short life:

the cheerleader
the church goer
the good girl
the college student
the dumb blonde
the party girl
the future mrs. first love?
the college drop out
the re formed party girl
the saved from sin
the future mrs. second love?
the two dimensional member of society

satisfied
satisfied
satisfied

but then
I opened my eyes,
wide.

I laughed at myself & realized
I was doing it wrong.

& I kept my eyes open.

It’s been a few years now
& I still struggle, at times, to keep my eyes open:
to keep staring, wide eyed, at the road ahead.

so, forgive me if I don’t
live my life
the way you think I should.

Forgive me if you think
I’m doing it wrong.

But I’m not.
I’m living
my life.

I’m living it
to the best of my ability.

& I’m seeing.
& I’m remembering as many details as possible.

hiraeth

a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past

The ground is changing beneath me every where I step.

The floors have literally been ripped out of my childhood home.

I’ve always been a person who faces change with difficulty.
It’s one of my greatest personal frustrations.

& the last 6 months of my life has been nothing short of a perpetual spiral of change,
with me grasping for any shred of normalcy or the familiar.

today, I spent 15 minutes just trying to help my mum get out of the bath tub.

as I stood there inside the bathtub with my jeans rolled up to my knees,
I thought

This woman who was like Wonder Woman to me growing up
This woman who was “the man” & “the woman” of the house
This woman who fixed cars, mowed lawns, installed garbage disposals,
& built furniture

she can’t even stand up on her own
she needs assistance doing simple things I take for granted every day.

& she is fucking beautiful.

& even without the ability to pick herself up
she is the strongest person I have ever met.

God, I wish I could be half as strong as this woman.

but I’m not.
Not yet.

I picked her up & I sat her down
& I walked into the hallway straight into the arms of my giant little brother
& I cried.

I cried because I know I’m not that strong.
I cried because I’m worried I will never be that strong.

I cried because I miss my family.
I miss what we use to be.
I miss what we could be.
I miss what we will never be.

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