acting it out

the art of learning to live

my first kiss

who wants to play spin the bottle?

I was 13 when I had my first kiss.
I didn’t know that there were “rules”,
so I kept my eyes open.

I wanted to see.
I wanted to remember as many details as possible.

It’s who I was. who I am.

But the other kids teased me.

They laughed & told me
I was doing it wrong.

& I closed my eyes for my second kiss.

From then on I started
“closing my eyes” for a lot of things.
But always for the same reason.
Because it’s what everyone else did.
Because I desperately needed that validation from my peers.

As I grew up, I could feel a heaviness on my soul;
Far greater than anything someone so young should know
or even recognize.

There were times,
I would peak out from behind my closed eyes at the world I was living in.
Those moments were beautiful,
when I would forget about the words those kids had said to me
when I would forget about trying to fit in
when I would forget who I was trying to be
& just be
me.

But then

Someone would laugh at me & tell me
I was doing it wrong.

& I would close my eyes again.

I spent so many years of my life like this.
I missed out
on so much of my life
because I was more focus on
living the life others thought I should
rather than
living my life.

I spent so many years of my life
trying to fit into whatever mold was handed to me.
I was a human chameleon.
I tried to become whatever I was expected to be by those around me.
I played so many parts in my short life:

the cheerleader
the church goer
the good girl
the college student
the dumb blonde
the party girl
the future mrs. first love?
the college drop out
the re formed party girl
the saved from sin
the future mrs. second love?
the two dimensional member of society

satisfied
satisfied
satisfied

but then
I opened my eyes,
wide.

I laughed at myself & realized
I was doing it wrong.

& I kept my eyes open.

It’s been a few years now
& I still struggle, at times, to keep my eyes open:
to keep staring, wide eyed, at the road ahead.

so, forgive me if I don’t
live my life
the way you think I should.

Forgive me if you think
I’m doing it wrong.

But I’m not.
I’m living
my life.

I’m living it
to the best of my ability.

& I’m seeing.
& I’m remembering as many details as possible.

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