acting it out

the art of learning to live

“unloved”

power is being told you are not loved, and not being destroyed by it

I saw this quote the other day from the material girl herself, Madonna.

& it struck me.
hard.

I’ve opened up a lot on here about
my mum, my family,
my feelings in broad generic strokes.

But this is the hardest thing to write about for me.

my love
my heartache
my biggest insecurity.

not being loved

In a previous chapter of my life, I was working as a nanny.
I used to take “my” little boy to the playground to hang out with some of his friends from school. One day, it was just me & another woman, with her three kids. I had met her a couple of times before & she soon opened up to me about her personal life.

I will never forget this conversation & the impact it has had on me.

She told me her husband came home one day & told her she was not the love of his life. That simple, like he had forgotten to pick up the milk at the grocery store. She was not the love of his life, and he needed to go out & find the person who was the love of his life. He asked for a divorce, and she couldn’t do/say anything to change his mind.

I couldn’t imagine being told that.
I couldn’t imagine hearing those words.

But then I did.

I still remember it clear as day.

I’m not in love with you.

& I remember thinking back to that woman & hearing her voice & watching her fighting back tears while she kept her eyes on his children playing ten feet away.

I remember being sorry for her.
I remember pitying her.

But I should have been proud of her.
Because she was strong!
She had power!

I was weak.
I broke.
I let it destroy me.
I let it consume me.
I let it tear my life apart.

it made me wonder if there was something wrong with me.
I had done everything right. I had fit myself so perfectly into his life.
I had worked so hard on making sure his needs & wants were fulfilled.
How had I let myself fall in love without asking for or even expecting love in return?

It made me closed off.
It made my cynical.
It made me so insecure that I felt like I would never have love in my life again.
It made me afraid to even try.

Now, years later, I’ve realized why he couldn’t love me.

It wasn’t because I was unlovable.

It was because I had been raised in a society that taught me
that I needed to act & look a certain way in order to be attractive.
in order to have value as a woman.
that my worth came from a relationship status,
or from a number above a box on an online network profile.

I’ve realized that he didn’t love me
not because I wasn’t properly meeting society’s standards.
not because I wasn’t trying hard enough.
not because I was simply,
unlovable.

But because
I didn’t love myself.

Now in my early 20s, when a lot of my friends are getting married & having children, I am happy hanging out with my cat, watching bad sci fi movies.
& I find my past self comical.
That silly girl trying so hard to make a man boy love her.

I’m glad he didn’t love me.
Because then I would have spent even more time being someone I’m not.

Now, I get to be me.
& I love myself.
Like really, I think I could spend the rest of my life with me.

Could you?

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