acting it out

the art of learning to live

Archive for the tag “life”

Stuck

I’m between the ghouls and the monster

Fear.
It makes you stick,
stick in one place.
It makes you
Stuck.

& that’s what I am

Stuck
By
Fear

I’m afraid to mourn a mother who is not yet (physically) gone.

I’m afraid to live
I’m afraid to love
I’m afraid to learn from my mistakes
because I feel I have already made enough.

That’s another word I identify with my current state,
enough.

However, I do not use it as an adjective to describe myself,
no, that would be too kind.
& kindness can not be afford to those who need
tough love?

enough
I’ve had it.

I’ve had enough pain.
I’ve had enough anger.
I’ve had enough doubt.

I’ve cried enough tears.
Haven’t I?

I imagine there’s a collection of all the salt water I release
at night in my bed,
or in my shower,
or in my car, in broad daylight, at a stop sign, while an old Chinese lady stares at me.

There’s just jars & jars of it, sitting on a shelf somewhere.
They are labeled with my name & someone is sorting through them,
with the tiniest pasture pipette,
counting out each droplet,
seeing if it has reached the magic number,
seeing if it’s
enough.

But it isn’t.

So, the universe rears back its fist to have another go.

But I have had enough.

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faith. take two.

my faithlessness
is causing me to verge on hopelessness.

my life seems to be so full of ups & downs,
it feels like a roller coaster.

actually,
maybe it’s more like the giant wave pool at water parks.

do you remember those?

a giant cement square,
filled with water & probably a hundred people.
It was built as a gradual slope,
with a deep end, and then a shallow end that turned into a “shore”.

I remember all the people crammed in this thing,
floating on inner tubes,
laughing, swimming & splashing around.
Then they would sound the horn
that signified the oncoming “waves”.
People would scramble to their flotation devices, or some even headed for the “shoreline” to escape the waves.

I was always the kid who braved the deep end during the “storm”.
I stayed out there treading water,
pretending to be a mermaid stuck in a hurricane
or a pirate caught in a shipwreck.

I’ve lost that little girl,
void of fear & full of such life.

now I’m trapped in the deep end of the wave pool,
struggling to get above water,
trying desperately to push through the crowd to get to the land.

I remember when I was a kid, when/if I had a moment of insecurity in that wave pool,
I knew in my mind that if it did become too much, that I could always grab on to a friends inner tube.

I am so grateful to have that safety net, symbolically, in my life today.

this is what I will have hope in.
this is who I will have faith in.
this is what will allow me to survive these harsh waters.
& this is what will eventually bring back that
brave little girl.

so thank you to
my dear
my wonderful
my patient
my understanding
my kind
my generous
my funny
my talented
my thoughtful
my unselfish friends,
who are my true family.

Without whom I would surely drown.

all bets are off…

Lap 1
I am racing.
I am racing towards a goal.
I did not set this goal for myself.
I am acting out of submission.

Lap 2
I am racing.
I am racing towards a goal.
I have performed this race before.
Sometime I win, sometimes I do not.

Lap 3
I am racing.
I am racing towards a goal.
I know if I win I will be rewarded.
I know if I win I will make them happy.

Do you know why they put “blinders” on race horses?

It is so the horse focuses on what’s ahead.
They can not look back at what has already been done.
They can not look to the side at where the other horses are.
They can not see the audience.
All they know is the path that is set before them, all they know to do is to run.

I want to be a race horse.
I want to stop looking behind me.
I want to stop looking at others around me.
I want to stop looking at the ones who cheer me on, or who hope for me to fail.
I want to look towards my future.
I want to run, with all my strength & hope, towards what lies ahead.

On second thought, I do not want these things.
I need these things.
I need them desperately.
For my sanity, for my heart, my soul, my peace of mind.
But most of all, I need these things for myself, for my goals, & for my prize.

I am a race horse.
& I am betting on myself to win.

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